I've probably started and stopped and deleted and re-done this post at least a dozen times. The first couple times I started it I got so emotional that I had to quit, so then I decided maybe I was going in the wrong direction. So I started to go in another direction and my internet went down for almost 2 days, so by the time I sat down 2 nights ago to write it I'm thinking maybe God has been wanting me to go a different way and to look at my past differently then I have been. Well needless to say I must not of been ready yet because my little boy woke up right in the middle of it very sick throwing up and running a fever. So here I am on draft number ? and I think I might actually have it right this time.
I thought it was only fair to explain why I consider myself a not so normal mom, and mostly it's because of my age in comparison to other parents that have kids the same age as me. However I've realized over the past couple weeks that it's not just that, my husband and I have been together since we were 15, I may be younger but I've spent almost half my life with my first love and that's unusual. We've made it through a lot of hard times to be this age including having a beautiful unplanned baby girl at the age of 18 while we were still in high school. Mind you we didn't even go to the same school so for the most part I went through all of it alone. Not in the sense that I didn't have a support system my parents and family never turned their back on me and my husband worked,kept up with school and made the hour and a half drive to his school every morning from my house so that he was their for me every chance he got, but for this mostly liked popular girl that made good grades,was athletic and had a lot of friends it was tough because I lost all of that over night as soon as it got out that I was pregnant.
I don't think a lot of people meant to be mean or act differently towards me but it just happens you know when you're dealing with teenagers. Not everyone was like that but I can probably count on my hands the number of people from school that I still see and spend time with on a regular basis. Most of my best friends are people I didn't meet until the past 5 years. I'm okay with that. I wouldn't trade my close friends for all the fake friends in the world. That's the beauty of finding yourself.
Speaking of finding myself, In my first post I spoke about being lost and I am. I don't know who I am anymore and I am trying to find a place that I belong but a few weeks back sitting at dinner with 3 of my best friends I realized that just because I'm unsure of where my place is doesn't mean that I'm not headed in the right direction. I think I have the people in my life today because God knows they need to be there. Before becoming pregnant I knew who I was, where I was going and where I wanted to be in 5 and maybe even 10 years. Their wasn't any guess work I had a perfect little map in my mind, and possibly that's why I'm so lost today nothing on that map matches up with me today. So with much debating and pep talk to myself I've decided instead of revisiting my high school years with everyone I begin now, because no matter what happened then I'm sitting here today in the exact situation I need to be in regardless if I think I'm overwhelmed and lost. Everything happens for a reason and it's time for a New Start.
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